11 weeks 3 days

Last Tuesday we got to go to the dr. We only met with the nurse tho. We got to hear the heartbeat again, which she found right away! Heart rate was 166. I haven't gained any weight yet. The nurse told me that since I was almost 12 weeks that all of my nausea should be going away and that my appetite will be coming back. I just wanted to laugh at her. My appetite has never really gone away. It has just gotten a lot more ferocious. I can go from not being hungry at all to feeling like I am starving and haven't eaten anything in a week in a matter of a few seconds. The appointment went well. It was mostly just a bunch of intro stuff and answering any questions we had. Amazingly I still haven't actually met with my dr. All of my u/s's have been at the hospital and I have had a bunch of blood work at the lab. We will get to meet with her FINALLY next Tuesday.
I have made the switch to maternity clothes. My others were just getting uncomfortable. I could probably still get in them, but really, who wants to when you have an excuse not to. My mom took me shopping about a week ago and I guess I didn't realize how tight my jeans were getting until I tried on a pair of maternity jeans. Needless to say, I didn't want to take them off and as soon as we bought them I went and found a bathroom and changed. We announced to everyone at church last Wednesday. That was fun. Then on Sunday I had a few comments about how some people didn't know how I kept it a secret for so long, cause now that they knew they could tell by looking at me. :) I just smiled. I don't really think I'm showing that much, maybe only if I am wearing my more form fitted dress clothes. Well, I guess thats it for now...more next week after my REAL dr.'s appt!

Celebrating July in December!

Well, this is it! What you have all been waiting for....Tom and I are PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!! I am ten weeks along and baby is doing great so far! We are due on July 4! Beware, this is long...but it does cover the last ten weeks of everything we have been going through.

We found out on October 19. We have nicknamed the baby Punkin, because we found out right before Halloween. I tested a couple of days early because dang it I was tired of waiting! Seems like that has been the theme of this entire year. Anyways, so I tested right when I got up, with a dollar store cheapie, went and brushed my teeth, came back and there was a VERY faint line. I went and immediately woke Tom up because he HAD to look at it to tell me what he thought. We had a digital test we were going to wait and use in a couple of days because technically I wasn't late yet, but of course we couldn't wait! A few minutes later and it popped up "Pregnant." We were so excited and kind of in disbelief. I called my dr that morning, went in and had blood work done that afternoon. Numbers came back at 68. Went in again 48 hrs later and numbers were 286! As long as they were between 5-500 that was good. The nurse called and said "We saw a nice rise." With partial molars your numbers tend to be a lot higher than they should be. We scheduled an ultrasound when I was 6 weeks 4 days. Had to wait a couple of weeks for that, but while we were waiting we decided to tell our parents on Tom's b-day. I wrapped up a little onsie that says "My daddy is a Police Officer" and put it in a birthday sack. When Tom opened it he said "well I don't think this will fit me, but I bet it will fit our new baby!" Everyone was so excited!

6 week ultrasound

The 6 week ultrasound was very emotional. The week prior to the ultrasound I had been having morning sickness, which I didn't mind...I don't really like throwing up, but hey, at least its a sign that something is going as it should. Then the day before the ultrasound my morning sickness vanished! It FREAKED me out! I just knew that there was something wrong and that when we went in to this ultrasound that they were going to give us the same crappy news that they did last time. The day of I was a complete wreck. If it hadn't been for my job keeping me so busy I would have been in tears most of the day. We got there, checked in, waited what seemed like forever, but was actually only about 30 minutes and then we got to go back. Walking down those hallways I almost lost it! Then we got in the room and they started the scan. There were two u/s techs in the room with us and if I had known that the one doing the scan was training I would have asked for the other lady to have done it. I'm not normally like that, but with everything we have been through I just wanted someone who knew exactly what they were looking at and for. She scanned and scanned....listened to a bunch of different things, like blood flow to my ovaries....this all happened with our u/s in January and then at the end they gave us the bad news....finally, she listened to something and then afterwards says "well the babies heartrate is 144." O was that what you were finally listening to?!? I wanted to kick her! Why didn't we get to listen to that first and why didn't you tell us that when you started listening? Instead, I just said, "O was that what that was?" and she confirmed and then let us listen again. After hearing the heartbeat I just couldn't quit smiling. Then I had to have an internal u/s done because since I was so early they couldn't see the baby with just the regular one. Then we got to see our little Punkin! We could see the little flicker of his heart and we both fell in love. I have to have my u/s done at the hospital because of insurance reasons so they sent all of the pics off to the radiologist to look at and then my dr. My dr called two days later to say that the baby was looking good and measure right on track! Also, they told us that I have a large cyst on my left ovary, but that they are not concerned with it.

9 week ultrasound

Schedled another u/s for when I was 9 weeks 3 days. Nerves were a little calmer this time around and we were a lot more excited about going in. Everytime I would get nervous I would just pray, think of all of the prayes we had said and all of the prayers that were being said for us. What amazing family and friends we have. We got back to the room and they started the scan. you could actually see the baby this time with the regulare one and you could see the little blob right away. I told Tom that Punkin must be taking after him because he was being so ornery. They tech would finally find him and get ready to take a picture and he would move and she would have to scan for a little while before she found him again. (I only call the baby "he" because I don't want to call it "it" for 9 months, as we don't plan on finding out what we are having.) At the end of the u/s they zoomed in and we could see Punkin moving his little limb buds (future arms and legs). We also got to see the heart beat again. Heart rate was measuring 172. I think we could have stayed in there forever watching and listening. Hearing that heart beat has got to be the best sound I have EVER heard. Dr. called two days later and said baby is growing very good! The cyst on my ovary is still there but they are still not concerned with it. However, they do want to monitor it, so that means extra ultrasounds! Our next one will be in about 4 weeks!

So that has been the last 10 weeks. We have made it through all of our early monitoring and now have no worries of it being another partial molar pregnancy. Overall, I have been feeling really well. Other than that first week of morning sickness I really haven't had any. (Now that I typed that it will prolly change.) I do have a few days here and there were I kinda feel a little green, but its not too bad. Lemons and limes with a little salt have helped tremendously when I am feeling a little green. Also, jolly ranchers and suckers. I am hungry ALL the time!!!! It is quite ridiculous how much food I am eating, but luckily I haven't gained any weight yet.

We are so excited and feel so blessed. Thank you so much to everyone that has been sending up thoughts and prayers for us. It is greatly appreciated.

October 15

Today is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At 7:00pm, Tom and I lit a candle in honor of our Peanut and all of the other angel babies, who will be forever missed but never forgotten.




















This is a (blurry) picture of the necklace Tom gave to me today.

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth,Then whispered as she closed the book,"Too beautiful for Earth"-Unknown

Here are some good resources on miscarriage if you or someone you know has had to experience this kind of loss.
http://www.october15th.com/
http://www.angels4ever.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p3e8_XKoRo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuiOdXC9aB4

Things I have learned in 2009

Miscarriage has forever changed our lives and here are a few things I have learned this past year.

Some of the good things:
*God is in control, not me and it will happen in His time and not mine. (Yes I already knew this but now I understand it a little better)
*I am so much stronger than I thought I was.
*When my heart hurts it always feels a little better after prayer.
*I am so deeply in love with my husband. He has been a great source of comfort, he can always make me smile when I'm down, he is always there for me and I feel like our relationship has gotten so much stronger this past year.
*We have our own little angel up in heaven looking down on us and I look forward to some day meeting him/her.
*Everyone has a bad day now and then but it is important to try and focus on your blessings and not wallow in self pity.
*Our family is great. They have been such a great support system and a great source of comfort for us.
*We have realized how much we are ready for and want to start our family. Before, it just kind of seemed like that was just what was suppose to come next, but now it seems so much more than that.

Some of the not so good:
*I am terrified of another miscarriage and even more so of having another partial molar pregnancy, but our desire to have a baby is greater than that fear.
*I am sad that I feel so cautious about future pregnancies and that I can't just be blissfully ignorant in thinking that it will never happen to me.
* I am sad that I'm not as excited for other people when hearing of their pregnancies. Over the last two weeks I have learned of 8 people I know that are pregnant, most are pretty early. While I am happy for them, all I can think of is statistics and I hate that. While I pray every night for all of my pregnant friends and their babies I just worry about all of them and hope that they never have to experience any part of what we had to.
*Miscarriage is a big deal, no matter how far along you are, and its not really talked about a whole lot. I used to be one of those ignorant people that just thought "o well, they can try again" When in fact that is probably the worst thing you can say to someone going through a miscarriage. They just lost their child and all of the hopes and dreams for that child. It is something that we will never forget.

All of this has really been on my heart the last few weeks as we were given the clear to try again and I just thought I would share. I feel like I have learned a lot about myself over this past year. Hopefully soon we will be on to bigger and brighter things;)

Celebrate Good Times

So on Monday we had our last drs appointment!!!! Yea! I was so excited I wanted to cry! This has been such a long and emotional journey and finally this part of it is over! Dr's appointment went well, got a call this morning from the nurse telling me I do NOT have to go back for anymore bloodwork! We discussed a plan of action once we do get pregnant again. As soon as I get a positive hpt I am to call drs office and go in and get bloodwork done, then get bloodwork 48 hrs later to make sure levels are rising appropriately. Ultrasounds at 6 and 8 weeks. After 9 weeks, no longer have to worry about it being another partial molar pregnancy! I'm glad we have a plan, it puts my mind a little bit more at ease with all the extra monitoring.

In other news, I am at home sick with bronchitis...yuck, but at least I have a good excuse not to go in to work. Tom only has six more days until he is out patroling by himself! He is so excited about it. I am so glad he loves his job.

Peanuts Place part 2

On August 5, which was our due date, we officially dedicated our tree to our little Peanut with a beautiful sign my mom made for us.

T-minus 4 weeks and counting

Ok so it has been a while, but we have been having some serious computer problems. 28viruses and 701 spyware programs later, we are back online! I have had two Dr.'s appointments since my last post(my most recent one was today), which have both resulted in everything being fine and normal. After my July appointment, I have been having my blood drawn every two weeks. Apparantly it is just protocol, but they forgot to tell me that, so I almost had a mini heart attack when they called to tell me to go back in two weeks. So far everything is still looking good! Only four more weeks, one more appointment and two more blood draws!!! We are starting to get VERY excited! and nervous!

On other news, Tom only has about 5-6 weeks left of training and then he is out on his own! He really enjoys what he does and I am so proud of him. I certainly wouldn't want his job, but I am glad he enjoys it. He has been in a couple of fights this last month. Both of which he came out of pretty well. The last one we think he may have had a minor concussion but he came out of it much better off than anyone else. A couple days afterwards, he told me he thought it was fun! Crazy!

Dr.'s Appointment

Well, I had another Dr.'s appt. on Monday. Everything was fine and normal, so that is good and I get to start taking my pre-natal vitamins again! WooHoo! I can't believe I am so excited about taking vitamins! I guess I just feel like I am finally doing something to get back on track. Only three more visits!!!!!

Meet Mia!!

Mia is my new pet Guinea Pig! Tom bought her for me for an early anniversary present. You may wonder why I chose a guinea pig. Well, I really wanted a kitten, but Tom is highly allergic to cats so I chose Mia instead. We have had her for almost a week. Our dogs think she should be their treat so we have to make sure she is put up when they are around :)

I took her over to my parents house and she really wanted to hide so we put her in my dad's shoe.

Tom's Graduation Part 2

Here are some pictures:

Tom's Graduation

Tom has officially graduated from the Police Academy!!! He graduated last Friday and they put him to work Saturday evening. He has been having a great time at his new job. He is still in training. He is in what they call the FTO Program, which stands for Feild Training Officer Program. That basically means he has to ride around with another officer and they grade him on how well he is doing his job. He will have four months of this. The first month Tom will be doing 25% of the work and the other officer will be doing 75%. The second month it is 50/50. The third, 75% Tom 25% the other officer, and the fourth month 100% Tom and the other officer is shadowing him. He will also have to rotate through each of the different shifts. He is absolutely loving it! I am trying to upload some photos, but the computer is not wanting to cooperate....so we will see...

Peanuts Place

This weekend we decided to plant a tree in memory of our Peanut. Thank you so much to our parents for helping us out.

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Good News, Bad News

Well, lets start with the good news....I had my monthly doctors appointment today and everything was normal, which is good.
The bad news....My doctor messed up on her calculations and we have to wait to try again until September. We have to wait six months after the time that my hormone levels reached negative, not the time of the D&C, which is what she originally told us.

I know that doesn't really seem like bad news, but is was discouraging. I was really looking forward to going in today because this should have been my third month appointment and we were going to talk about starting pre-natal vitamins again, etc. and then I found out I am only through one month, and I just really felt let down. My mind knows that it isn't that much longer, just two months and that it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but my heart is tired. Tired of dealing with all of this. Tired of there always being something else that comes up. My mind knows that I should count my blessings and that God is in control and that there is some reason for this, but my heart is tired of all the emotions. I could really use some prayers for strength right now.

Hip Hip Hooray!!!!

I know it has been a couple of weeks since my last post, but I really just didn't feel like there was much of anything to say.....until today!!!!! I got the call from my dr that my hcg levels were negative!!!!! I am so excited! This means no more weekly blood draws. I was starting to feel like a human pin cushion. My right elbow has been bruised for weeks on end since I only have one good vein to draw from and the more time that was going by the harder it was getting to get that one vein. I am now going to go in monthly for a dr appointment and blood work. I went in for an appointment on Monday and my dr said that everything looked fine and normal, so we are headed down the right track. Just four more months to go.

As for Tom, he has been learning how to handcuff, take people down, and many more things at the police academy. He is thoroughly enjoying it and if you ask him he will show you all his new moves. I told him I would watch him do it to someone else, I didn't really want to end up on the floor :)

and again....

I got the call from my doctors office and I am now at 16. I have to be under 5 before I can quit going every week. It seems that my levels dropped off really fast in the beginning but now they have slowed down quite a bit. I bet that this weeks will be at an 8 but I'm hoping for a 4.

Another Week

Well, I got a call from the doctor today and I have to go in and have blood work done for another week. I was really hoping that last week would be the end of going every week, but o well. My HCG levels are at 31 and they have to be below 5 before I can quit going every week. Previous weeks have been 650ish, 150ish, 68 and now 31. I am tired of needles!

Nothing else is really going on with us. Tom is finishing up firearms training at the Police Academy which he has really enjoyed. He is now starting defense tactics, so basically they get to beat each other up every day, all day for a week and a half. I'm just glad it's not me having to go through that :)

Friday the 13!!!

My Friday the 13th was good! I had my doctors appointment today and all went very well. She said everything was going just like it was suppose to. My HCG levels are falling and she thinks I will only have one more week of having to have my blood drawn every week. After that we will go to once a month for six months and I will go in for an exam once a month. She said my body was healed from my surgery and she examined me to make sure there were no masses growing and there weren't, everything was normal. She reassured me several times that it was VERY rare for this to turn into cancer and that with all of this monitoring, even if it does, it is very easily taken care of by chemo. She told me that one time when they were in a clinic they had a case where the woman hadn't been monitored and she had lots of this cancer tissue everywhere. After two rounds of chemo it was completely gone and she was just fine. She also said that all of this monitoring should be over by the end of July and then it is up to us when we will want to start trying again.

On a different note, I was told that several people have tried to leave comments but were not able to unless you had a google account (which is free). That was the default setting so I went in to my settings and changed it to where anyone can leave a comment now. You will just have to do it as "Anonymous." If you want, after your comment you can type your first name if you want me to know who you are. There is a 98% chance that I can figure out who you are by just your first name. If not, I will just know that someone out there is thinking of us. Again, we really appreciate all of the comments, cards, prayers, thoughts, etc....

Crazy Tom

Here are some pictures of Tom being crazy. He volunteered for this, so keep that in mind. The dog, Cobus, is a police narcotics and bite dog.

Attitude

Well, I gave you all the medical information but I never really got to how we are handling all of this. It has been pretty hard, but each day is getting a little bit better. I won't lie, when we first found out about the partial molar pregnancy and everything that was going to have to be done I was extremely angry. I thought, wow, isn't it enought to have to deal with the loss? Now I have to go through all this and will have to, in a way, revisit this once a month for the next six months. It just isn't fair! But after having quite a melt down with my dad and after talking to several people I began to realize that I can't do anything to change the circumstances. I can only control how I will react to them. So I am trying to focus only on the positive. Which if you read my first post you can clearly see that there could be a lot of negative to focus on, but I'm trying not to. I don't know if any of you have ever heard of Randy Pausch, but he is the man that is known for "The Last Lecture." There is a book and you can actually watch the video on youtube. He was a man dying of cancer and he wanted to pass on his life lessons. I have read most of the book and watched the video. One of the things that I got from him was you can either be a Tigger or an Eeyore about the hand you are dealt. So I have decided to try to be a Tigger. I think that there are definitely some positives that can be pulled out of our circumstances. These are in no particular order. 1. We know why we had a miscarriage. Our baby had genetic problems. Many people have no idea why a pregnancy may have ended in a miscarriage. In a way this has brought a small amount of closure to us in the fact that we know why it happened. 2. Next time we do get pregnant they will start monitoring very early. I think that this will greatly help me and my overly anxious mind. 3. The chances of this happening again are extremely low, only 1-2%. 4. This has helped us understand just how much we really want a baby and that we really feel ready.
Most of all, we know that God is in control of our lives and that He had a reason for this happening. We may not know what that reason is, but we are leaning on Him for comfort and strength. Sure we still have plenty of tears, but we are really trying to focus on the positive.

Some Good News

Well, we finally got Internet set up at our new house so that will make this a little easier! I got some good news from the doctor this past week. My chest x-ray came back normal!! and my HCG levels are coming down just as they should!! That should be the only chest x-ray I have to have unless something else comes up. So now I just have to go in and get my blood work done once a week until my HCG levels are at 0. So that is all good. I did have to reschedule my post-op appointment with my doctor for next Friday because, lucky me, came down with this horrid stomach virus that is going around. I am starting to feel much better though. Overall, things are looking better. Thank you to everyone out there that has sent us cards, written us emails, posted comments, etc. It really does help to know that you all are keeping us in your thoughts and prayers throughout all this.

The Medical Information

Well, I wish I was creating this blog for other reasons, but that is not the case. I decided to start this to keep friends and family up to date on what is going on in our lives. First I will start with the medical information and then we will get to how we are handling all of this.....Many of you know that a couple of weeks ago Tom and I found out we had a miscarriage. We went in for our first ultrasound and I should have been at twelve weeks but the baby only measured 7.5 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I had not had any other previous signs of miscarriage. I went in for a D&C procedure the next day. Last week I got a call from my doctor, which is never fun. She said they had gotten the pathology report back from my D&C and that it was a little abnormal...again, words that are not fun to hear. She said that when doing the D&C there was a fetus, but that there was also some extra tissue that should not have been there. They call this a partial molar pregnancy, which means that there was something genetically wrong with the baby. In all cases of molar pregnancy the pregnancy will end in miscarriage because of the genetic problems, such as too many chromosomes. The odds of this happening are 1 in 1000 in the US. Lucky me. With molar pregnancies that extra tissue has a chance of regrowing which is not good. If it starts to regrow they consider it a cancer and it will have to be treated with anti cancer drugs...what, I'm not exactly sure and I probably won't find out unless it goes that far. The odds of that happening I believe are 1 in 40,000. So those are good odds....But, to make sure that the tissue isn't regrowing I have to go in and get lab work done once a week until my HCG levels (pregnancy hormones) go back down. After that I have to go in once a month for six months for lab work and pelvic exams. I am going back to the doctor next Friday. While going through all of this they do not want me to get pregnant. If I were to get pregnant they would not be able to tell if it was a baby or if it was that tissue regrowing so that would be bad. After all of this is over and we can go ahead and try again, once I get pregnant they will start monitoring me very early on, such as HCG levels and order an early ultrasound. I am glad about the early monitoring because I think it will ease my mind a little bit after having gone through all this....well, this is getting pretty long so I will stop, but there is a ton of information to pass on. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers and I will update you all on what all is going on.